had a really good day today, i’m so glad i came home this weekend even though it made yesterday insane. i had a really good talk with mum about all my shit, i always forget that she shares so much of my weird thought patterns and habits, i’m such an odd mix of both her and dad in pretty much every way, it’s no wonder i’m such a weird mess. i felt pretty calm all day which is a nice change and i finally got my hair cut which feels so much better, it’ll be a nice bolster against the ‘i hate myself too much to go outside today’ cuz at least bitch, my hair looks great.

i even ate ground beef for the first time in like four years? i was a little sick after supper but i think it was more the wine than anything, i guess the new meds regime reacts differently than the old one even though the drug is the same. i was just kind of out of it and a little sick to my stomach though it passed after i lay down for a while. i really don’t need to drink anyway but i like to, i’m denied so many other things that i want booze dammit.

tomorrow is super bowl day which will hopefully be not awkward and maybe even sort of fun? idk dad might be kinda stressed with dinner and doggies and things but hopefully it’ll all work out okay. i get to shop with my melefant so that will be awesome, and i get to stock up on purdy’s chocolate instead of crap dairy milk.

i still can’t decide about the one credit course next weekend, it would be a lot of time and mean yet another assignment this term but i think it would be a good career move? it’s weird thinking that way, my day with sandy was a little scary but also good because i’m more sure that academic librarianship, and health sciences in particular if i get to, is the way i want to go. this course isn’t coming at a great time so i’m not sure. mike will be there and mike is awesome and supportive and awesome but it means web design will be even more ridiculous than usual. sigh. so tired of it all already. at least january is finally done, what a terrible month. i’m quite determined that february will be better, if only my brain will cooperate.

coriolanus was cancelled ):

i hadn’t realized how much i was looking forward to it, a bright spot amongst the fields of shit i’ve been wading through

i almost cried ugh kyera could tell i was really upset so she tried her best to make it better, we did some sympathy shopping and i bought too much tea but it was mostly following her around and trying not to be too miserable

i’m still really upset, everything has been so awful that couldn’t this one nice thing have worked out? in some ways its for the best because i’m home earlier than i would have been otherwise and tomorrow is going to be hella busy and potentially shitty but fuck, i didn’t want this

they gave us a refund and free passes so we might try and see the repeat broadcast (apparently someone will send them a bluray and we’ll watch that? idek) but that doesn’t fix how i feel right now

ugh everything is stupid i quit

today was marginally less horrible i mean i skipped class because i didn’t sleep like at all and accomplished zip besides eating some things and spending like eight hours on tumblr but i didn’t panic today so progress? i took half a fast-acting quetiapine when i woke up to stave off panic and it seems to have worked so i guess cripplingly depressed but not panic-stricken is a step in the right direction

what i DID do today that was good was finally email my advisor and let her know what’s up it was a really hard email to write cuz i didn’t want to just blurt HI I’M DEPRESSED HELP and repeat that a thousand times but that’s kind of what i did and she emailed back and said she’s so glad i wrote to her and how hard that must have been and how she’s got my back and she’s gonna look into what the department has done in the past for this kind of thing and i just

idk i’m still exhausted and emotionally dead but i’m just so relieved that someone else knows and that they’re there for me my mum hasn’t been all that much help cuz she just wants to talk about why i’m feeling this way and there isn’t really a reason this time around? i mean there’s things that are making it worse but nothing really triggered it. sigh. brains are stupid, i don’t want mine anymore

tomorrow i’m gonna go to class and try to pay attention and then stupid committee meeting i don’t give a shit about and then more class where i’ll pull a presentation out of my ass and continue to give no fucks wheeeeeee